Love Will Tear Us Apart

So all I wanted out of Tony was to be friends with bennies....you know. Mess around...but still be rad ass friends. Well My friend Maira told him I wanted that and my friend Sara told me that she told him. So we went into her dorm room and I asked her. She told me he said I have to talk to him. But he never said no. He said maybe. so when we were walking back to my room Sara tells me "i have to tell you because youre my friend but he said no. he said he didnt like you like that." And my heart melted.

 

Its sad when you like someone for so long and you waste time trying to get them to like you when you know that they will never like you no matter what. Its such a sad and pathetic thing. It always makes me think back on james. Yeah James. James was the one and only person Ive ever had a dream where I told him i loved him. Its sad because at times I still do love him. With such a passion and i dont see why. theres something about him. yet everytime I start to like a guy my life gets fucked over.

 

I cried to alex in her room because I was just so sick and tired of being the ugly freak which is true. I dont take pictures of myself because Im beyond ugly and fat. Everyone says "Oh stephanie no youre not no youre not" but how do they fucking know? im sorry but all of my friends are amazingly gorgeous! Each of them. And they have guys that like them left and right and what the fuck do I have? nothing.

 

Everyone says that they have someone out there and that I even have someone. but deep down in my black empty fucking dead heart i know Im alone. Im always going to be alone. Either the guy says "I dont like you like that" or "thanks I guess" or "ok" or they turn out to be gay or taken. Always. I have this shitty ass luck and no matter what the fuck I do I cant change who the fuck I am.

 

I hate my life! I really hate it! God I wish sometimes i could just do it. Fucking kill myself. Why? Because life for me is a stupid shithole! I brought hella pills so one of these nights I can overdose. I really will. i really wanna.

 

And im not doing it for attention! All I want is for someone to love me the way I want them to. not as a friend! but more! yet they always want the drop dead hot girl which i can never be. fuck Im a pitiful piece of garbage that should NOT be alive anymore. Fuck the world and Fuck this place. Ive come to realize that no matter what I do or what I say I have no one.....NOTHING. Im ALONE.

 

Its just for once I want a guy that I really like to come up to me, grab both my hands in his hands, look me straight in the eyes and say "I love you stephanie." But NO! Thats a fucking fairytale right? Never going to happen! So why the fuck do I try?!

 

then Im so fucking mad! Only because i like this one guy named Chuck. but she likes him too....and i was flirting with him yesterday so much he got a boner. Weird...i know......but fuckin today when we were walking to biochem she tells me "you cant have him. dont flirt with him. Hes MINE" and i was like wow....shes crazy! then at lunch I was flirting again! and she sits over with me and says to me "Why are you taking my man away?" And I got mad and said I wasnt but she got all bitchy and said "hes mine not yours. Why are you flirting with him so much?" and all I said was "Its just flirting. if you did it to a guy i liked I wouldnt care." And she fucking flips out and says "You would too youre so bitchy like that."

 

Im done with stupid people's shit. What the fuck is their problem?! all I was doing was that and she flips out. Fucking shit shes so controlling! No joke. and So what if I like him? but no! hes HERS! well fuck that shit! if I wanna flirt Im going to! I dont give a rats flying ass!

 

AHH! I HATE THIS PLACE!!!!! I HATE IT!

 

The worst part is....I like this hella gay ass boy. Fucking shit! and He keeps saying he'd make out with me but his boyfriend would go kill himself. Fucking shit!

 

Then Delta got in trouble and I feel bad and like shit! FUCK! I wanted to get some.

Tony hates me because Im a fat ass shitbag!

Sara is a crazy psycho bitch who wants everything for herself!

 

plus my room is haunted! No joke! NO JOKE!!!!!!!!!!

I am feeling like the worst person in the world! why cant i don anything right?!!!! WHY GOD? WHYYYYY?!

omg I was doing some bad things with Delta last night...like tetx shit and fucking his parents found out! OMG! I feel so bad because now theyre watching him like a hawk....fucking shit. and he was supposed to sneek out the 18th (my birthday) and give me my present...wink wink...if you know what I mean...now I dont get to get any. how fucked up is that shit? Lame I think. Fucking shit cock sucking whore!

So 2mmorow im gunna tell tony how I really feel....when walkin 2 biochem....so if he rejects me I can not see him for a good 4 hours! Yup....im worried....like that time with dylan....but I figured he would reject me...im ass ugly so eh

my hair looks nasty

Ugh last night was hard.....I got like no sleep because of it