have no fear of PERFECTION...you'll never reach it

ok so for like forever ive heard noises, knocks, footsteps, breathing aaaaaalll throughout the house. now tonight i took toby outside. well he wasnt coming inside so i went outside and the swing on our porch was swinging like no other and whaaaatt????

NO WIND

So what does this all mean?? im not sure. but im scared

home life is falling apart. were gunna get kicked out
dont have money to pay things
my dad is constantly yelling
throwing things

ryan said devin and i wouldnt last
man...

idk
im depressed
im just....
done

the thoughts of peoples comments make me cut.
the constant yelling about my mom make me cut.

for moments i dont feel the need to do it. and then i feel my lungs start to close, tighten. my thoughts get fuzzy, i become someone else. i start shaking and breathing hard.

everytime
im truely terrified of myself

im scared that i will disappoint someone.
thats all i seem to be good at.


goodness if my scars could speak...
what stories they would have.


it makes me feel nasty at times. when i cut.
i wonder "am i doing it for attention?" but i dont care if someone sees them or doesnt see them.

im confused
im depressed
constantly angry
at the world
at myself
for letting things happen
for never saying a word

im sickened at this girl called stephanie
i am appalled at what she is and who she is

right now....
if i could...

i think id rip my veins out with a knife.

please god, anyone, someone

help me

I have wondered for awhile what I should do. I seem depressed.

Friends come and go

and I wish they wouldnt.

 

drama everywhere

I wish it would go away

 

Fuck life is going by so fast and what have i done for 17 years?

nothing really. Just sat around and cried and bitched about life. Like Im doing right now.

 

I feel the pressure start to hit me

It feels like I cant breath

and I start to panic

 

Maybe I dont want to grow up??

Maybe I would be happier if I was just a kid again.

 

but even then it was bad.

 

 

can I stop this? Stop all this bullshit and just say Im ok?

Say itll all be fine

and I have nothing to worry about??

 

 

No I doubt I ever will say that

Maybe being a negative person has burned it into my mind

that I wont ever be happy.

 

 

Yea I know how people always say "oh youll be happy once youre 18 and you live your own life"

Well I think those who say that lie

 

I will probably fall into a nothingness of sick and fucking ugly depression

that will tear apart what little soul I have

and crush me into a loser

A pathetic

Worthless

Insignificant person

 

Fuck